Sometimes, you have to find the hurt to be truly happy.
“Everything happens for a reason.” We’ve all heard this a million times. It becomes tiresome, however, when you find yourself in a not-so-happy place and these are the only words of comfort someone can offer. And as tiresome as it becomes, you still know in your heart that it is true: that hurt that you may feel in the moment is only happening so that you can find real happiness in the future.
When it comes to love, I have learned this lesson the hard way. I recently came out of a relationship that lasted almost a year and a half. That relationship began about a year after I was with someone else for almost five years. Needless to say, I did a lot of unfair comparisons between my current partner and my last. This overthinking made me constantly doubt whether I wanted to actually be in the relationship I was in at the time. The doubts eventually led to me breaking up with him the December of 2013, only to regret that decision and get back together in January of the following year.
After we had gotten back together, I was happy. I was happy in the moments that we were in the same place enjoying each other’s company. We had a lot of fun, and despite my assertions in the beginning, we had a lot in common. But like everyone, I had insecurities. I have always been the type of person that wants to be liked by everyone and have all my friends and family like everything and everyone I bring into my life. It is a draining state of mind, and it began to take a toll on my relationship.
While I knew how fortunate I was to have someone love me the way he did, I still always had doubts as to whether he would be the one I would end up with. It was those little insecurities that were constantly nagging at me, and even nagging at him, that cast shadow over what should have been a loving and healthy bond. I would get angry with him for the smallest thing and then become angry with myself for treating someone who had so much love for me the way that I did.
Things tended to go south any time I went away. I would go out and not feel a connection to him. It was making those doubts stronger, because I did not want to be in a relationship where I only felt connected when he was physically there. The worst part was that no matter how I tried to remedy this situation, it never got better because of those insecurities. It got to the point where I had to let him go, because he was way too good of a person to be strung along in a relationship where I was never sure of what the hell I wanted.
That’s when the hurt began. I was happy on the surface not long before we broke up. We had plans for the future, and I was sad that they wouldn’t happen. I knew, however, that going back to him was not the answer. He deserved to be away from the stress of my uncertainty and I still need time to learn what it is that I want. Having that time to heal is so crucial, yet it feels like it is filled with sadness that has no foreseeable end.
I’m coming to terms with the fact that the hurt I am feeling from my relationship ending is temporary, and that I am constantly skating a thin line between that hurt and actual happiness. By letting him go, I am finally gaining the clarity to get over those insecurities and be happy just loving myself. I know I will get there eventually, and I am so grateful for being loved by him. While it is sad that we had to part ways, we both grew while we were together. I guess everything really does happen for a reason.
Have you ever toed the fine line? Share your story in the comments below.