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The Daily Read: How to NOT Write a Resume

Want a job? Better polish up that resume.

Working in recruiting has taught me a lot of things. I have learned that people really value your time as a recruiter, especially when you are offering them a good paying job with benefits. I have also learned that not all resumes are created equally. I have seen some incredibly good resumes, and subsequently brought those who have written them in for interviews. I have also seen some that have inspired this post. People, I give you five things that will ruin your resume, starting with…

1. Using a font intended for children.

I am only going to say this once: DO NOT USE COMIC EFFING SANS ON A RESUME! DON’T DO IT! People, Comic Sans is a crime against humanity. It was never meant to do anything but offend. Do not use it on a formal document from which you are attempting to get a job. This also goes for fonts that look like Harry Potter or anything with more curls than a natural haired girl with a new jar of shea butter.

Times New Roman. Calibria. Heck, Arial. NO COMIC SANS.

2. Trying to be witty for a non-witty position.

I am all for resumes that stand out from the pack. Wow, this person highlighted his name in blue! Awesome! Hold on…why is he referring to himself as a “chill dude who happens to rock at Excel?” Ok, I’m going to pass. Look, unless you are applying somewhere super creative or trendy or a hipster cafe, your attempt at being clever comes off like you’re a tool. Keep your charm saved up for the interview (if you get one, and even then, don’t).

3. Attempting to “fancify” a simple job.

So you have been waitressing for five years. I respect that. You probably also made good tips. There is nothing to be ashamed of, my friend. But please, for the love of pancakes, do not try to make your waitressing job seem like you were performing open heart surgery. “Efficiently optimized the servicing of restaurant clientele by the expedient delivery of expertly prepared cuisines and beverage items” is just a really annoying way of telling my you served food. If you feel a need to truly explain why you would be a good fit for a job outside of your resume, use a cover letter. And keep it concise.

4. Having weird interests.

No, I don’t mean that you are not entitled to enjoying watching cat videos on YouTube. We all have our vices. But do not put that in the “Interests” section of your resume. “Bonafide caffeine addict,” “Trophy Hoarding,” and “CosPlay” are all things I have actually seen on resumes. No, guys. No.

An “Interests” section is widely debated as being necessary on a resume. I do actually look at this section to get an idea of someone’s personality, but it has got to be appropriate. Traveling, yes. Vigilantism, no.

5. Writing a novel.

They say a recruiter can scan your resume in three seconds to see if you’re worth consideration. This is 99% true. That being said, submitting a resume that is longer than two pages (some even say one, because two is actually pushing it) is going to get you nowhere unless it is in an industry where long resumes and CVs are expected. If I can’t figure out what you’re bringing to the table in under two minutes, I am not going to be interested. Keep it simple, folks.

There you have it. Write a simple, clean, resume and polish off those nice shoes. You is getting a job to-day!

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