“You can’t hurry love. No, you just have to wait! She said love don’t come easy. It’s a game of give and take…”
We’re all familiar with the 1966 single from legendary pop group The Supremes, right? I remember playing that tune on my janky Casio keyboard when I was in elementary school, not truly paying attention to the song’s lyrics. Looking back, I never would have thought those words will soon become a piece of advice I needed to take.
On my Twitter page (@BiancaEnRogue, shameless plug), I often joke about being “Forever alone” and lamenting on the fact that I’ll stay single until I’m buried six feet under. But the truth is that those jokes are actually covering up feelings that I’ve been dealing with for a little while now. “Will I ever actually know what it’s like to be in love?” is a question that I find myself asking at various instances.
At the age of 23 years old, I’ve never experienced what it’s like to be in a real relationship or what it means to have someone who loves you other than a family member. The first person I thought I loved was a former confidante who I was very close to from middle school throughout my first few years in high school. But what I saw as betrayal through the eyes of a new girlfriend that I wouldn’t accept quickly became the end of our friendship. Since then, I’ve been involved with men who have treated me with disrespect — yet I still continue to view it as love.
“But how many heartaches must I stand before I find a love?” Diana Ross sings in the classic tune. I’ve asked myself the same question time and time again. Blame it on my daddy issues or what not, but it has been a constant battle of me trying to understand the difference between lust and true love.
My college years were my most reckless, which is a typical thing for many people. But instead of partying just for party’s sake and to have fun with friends, I was doing it to seek out guys who I thought would ease my pain. But as soon as the sun rays light the once dim bedroom and I saw his feet quickly shuffle out to leave me, my fantasy was shattered and I found myself cold and lost.
There was a time in during my middler year, one of the most depressive years in my life, in college where I was involved in a “no emotions allowed” quasi-relationship. I allowed him to speak to me however he pleased, which was honestly downgrading. But for eight months I still crawled into the same bed with him. I felt like an object, not a person. I was his human sex toy that he had full control over. But that was okay with me at the time, because I ached to feel some type of pleasure that I confused with romance. It wasn’t real, but I sure did convince myself that it was.
When I felt these men’s skin against mine, I found comfort because I knew I wasn’t lonely in that given moment. Those situations are not healthy for the mind nor the heart, yet I continued to let myself be used just so I could feel someone next to me. I accepted the lies of “I love you” and “You’re beautiful” which were all used to take advantage of me, but they were lies that I desperately needed to hear.
Due to the mental crack in my skull (or depression, whatever you want to call it), I often told myself there was something wrong with me or that I’m crazy as to why men never wanted to be in a relationship with me. Yet I know deep down that it’s not true. Some guys are dicks, yes (especially the one’s I’ve dealt with), but I’m sure there are plenty of men who are worth it. Men who I need to find some patience to wait for. Yet I’m honestly tired of waiting!
I know what people are going to say: “It takes time, Bi!” or “You must love yourself before you can love anyone else.” And, I completely get that. But how much longer do I have to wait? How much longer do I continue to feed my body with unwanted pleasures just to bury decade-old insecurities? How much longer do I confuse a man’s pretty smile and sweet nothings with deception and greediness?
“No I can’t bear to live my life alone. I grow impatient for a love to call my own,” are the main lyrics to the song that I can’t seem to get out of my head. But I need to realize that I am worth a damn, that someone will care about me even more than I could ever care about them. It won’t come soon, that’s for sure. Yet I just have to accept that I need to work on myself and know that the game of love ain’t easy. It sure as hell ain’t easy…