Whether you are a recent grad or have been twice removed from the college-party scene, your mid-to-late twenties is when real life begins and the everlasting rage comes to an end. While some of us may linger in our party phases a little longer than others, eventually we realize that our bodies simply cannot take the wild nights of back-to-back shots, getting home at sunrise, and making sweet love to the toilet bowl – only to wake up and do it all over again.
We are always down for a good house party, or even a casual evening at the local bar; however the phase of going to the club every weekend is so far gone! I mean seriously, after working close to 50 hours every week, who then wants hand $20 of their hard-earned money to a bouncer who is high off his protein shakes? Don’t get me wrong – there is nothing wrong with the occasional club night for a friend’s birthday or special event. But, after countless nights of being disappointed with the same outcome – sweaty bodies and sore feet – I think it’s safe to say we are over it!
If you aren’t sure if you are reaching this point, here are a few signs that your partying days are over:
1. Your couch wins many battles against the club promoters.
When it comes to making the decision of whether or not to get dressed up in a tight dress and heels (shirt and slacks for guys) or just bum it on your couch and watch Netflix… your couch frequently wins.
2. The thought of falling “drunk in love” with someone you met at the club is unappealing.
Try as you might…you are not Beyoncé and he will never be Jay Z. Let’s face it: very rarely will you find love in the club. While every one deserves a night out and fate may have a funny way of making things happen, I highly doubt your prince charming/or wife will be the person is who consistently buying drinks they can’t afford.
3. Crowded spaces make you uncomfortable.
You pre-ordered your iPhone 6 because you wanted to avoid the crowds in the Apple store. The idea of being pushed around all night by drunk people in the sweat-box of a club makes your couch sound all the more appealing.
4. Applying a full face of make-up just sounds exhausting.
If I can’t just spice up my “look” with winged-tip eyeliner, mascara, and red lipstick, I’m not going! Call me lazy but, even applying a smokey-eye is too much work!
5. When you hear “Turn down for what?” you have quite a few reasons for the turn down.
Your liver, your bank account, the approaching hangover, sleep…the list goes on, and on.
6. The post pre-game moves are never as fun as the pre-game.
You’ve realized that you always have much more fun pre-gaming at a friend’s place than making the move to your ultimate club destination.
7. Standing on line is NOT how you see yourself spending your Friday/Saturday night.
If I go out, I want to go out, get in, and enjoy myself. The amount of waiting time spent at the club is just discouraging. You wait on line to get in, to check your coat (if they have a coat check), to order a drink, to go to the bathroom. It’s just too much.
8. You are tired of reserving a full day-and-a-half for recovery.
Your body just doesn’t bounce back like it used to and now instead taking a few hours of crashing on a friend’s couch to sober up, it takes a full day! Sadly, it sometimes takes even longer to put your life back together from the shambles you left it in during your night out. The older you get the less time you have to suffer a hangover. Your weekends are meant for fun and errands and you can’t run errands (effectively) while hungover – it just doesn’t work.
9. You are sick of watered down drinks.
At this point in life, you know what you like and are sick and tired of clubs trying to rip you off by watering down the alcohol. You’re better off just buying a bottle and making a stiff one at home!
10. You have convinced yourself that your work clothes are versatile enough to pass as club attire.
All you have to do is pop another button (or two), and hike up the skirt, and boom! You’ve turned your everyday office-wear into basic b*tch club attire… or so you think.
11. You value your memory.
Rather than attempting to piece together the events of the night in a group chat full of regret, you’d rather remember everything and tell the full story – not just blurred figments of it.
12. You get most of your twerking in during your weekly Zumba class.
Rather than grinding up on random strangers, you prefer your twerk sessions to be dictated by your energetic Zumba instructor.
13. The whole “VIP table” thing is not in your monthly budget.
You don’t see the point of paying X amount of dollars for a table in VIP. Paying too much money to sit with your friends and show off for strangers is not the business – no matter how many sparklers you get in that overpriced bottle of Ciroc. You refuse to allow the VIP section to make your rent late this month. Not today, Satan!