“I miss doing nice things for someone! Where did all the romance go?”
“Sex replaced it.”
As the now infamous season of the cuffingtons approaches us in full force (cue the Carl Thomas music and raindrops falling in the background), we find ourselves on a quest to find the one perfect person to hibernate with for the winter. “Cuffing season”, a term that I so absolutely adore, usually requires a certain amount of effort that we seemingly forgot about in the warmer months of foolery. However, it seems as though that notion of wooing a person to join you for a few lazy Sundays are as gone as the days of Lebron’s hairline. Throughout my ongoing ethnography of us millennials, I’ve noticed many women (males, for the sake of this piece, I’m leaving you out. Go cry a river or whatever) complain about how extra lusty men are these days. Being a sexually explorative woman myself, I’d like to think that the 2014 woman is one that doesn’t necessarily want or like a whole lot of attention.
Gone are the days where a man would be open to courting a woman for her body, even if it’s just her body that he was after. A few texts, possibly a phone call, a shared spliff later, and you are in between the sheets sharing all kinds of fluids. A few days later you realize however, that there is a certain something missing after you’ve realized that certain desires weren’t met. There is that something that’s missing, that something that only actual intimacy can cure.
And that something, is the romance.
There are plenty of theories as to why romance doesn’t exist anymore, like the idea that “Sex has become a barbaric act, filled with internet porno flicks expectations and lacking any type of real attachment or connection for both men and women.” But there is one in particular that I think that certain gender group of complainers might have to own up to.
Women have become so jaded, that they ruined romance.
Everything comes with a consequence. And unfortunately along with having the freedom to express yourself sexually, came the lack of trying. Sex is too easy to get; therefore, things like chivalry and wooing are tossed straight out the window. Is it true that women in their 20s (and possibly their thirties) have become way too cynical to even recognize romance when they see it? We crave the notion of being pampered, but when we receive it, we can’t seem to embrace it. If all fairy tale notions of love are now dead, along with the use of blackberries as an acceptable smartphone – are women the reason that romance is seemingly dead?
Hate to break it to you sister, but you actually might be. Most women have gotten so used to dealing with jerks that they think romance is a foolish and somewhat “bitch-made” way of expression, which leads to disinterest, and the horribly annoying game of man vs. woman that we love to play. For example: A friend of mine that is notorious for dating men that ignore her, recently told me about a guy that she’d been seeing for a few weeks. She said she liked him and all but there was something super annoying about him that had to be cut out. “They have to treat me a little badly! I can’t deal with them being too attentive and caring!”. She then went about cutting off the potential suitor and moving on. Her reason being? “He was just too nice to me.”
As crazy as that sounds, it is not an uncommon thing to say nowadays. Please don’t confuse this as me becoming a “meninist“, but ladies, it’s time to give the nice guys a chance. You cannot complain about the lack of romance if you won’t even consider giving the time of day to someone who WANTS to court you. We’re all looking for someone that gives you the butterflies feeling, but not knowing what comes next isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. If there is anyone that understands the frustration it’s me; trying to find the perfect romantic, sensitive, bad boy type is a lifelong journey, and one that will be more than likely never be fulfilled.
“I’ve never quite understood what “romance” means, though I think it exists somewhere on that messy borderline between obsession and flirtation.”
On the flip-side, this is not to excuse men or their sexually deviant behavior, nor is that meant to be a bad thing. Women in the new Millennium of have become a force to be reckoned with – they have money, careers, educations, and power. They are also becoming increasingly savvy sexually, meaning that they feel more liberated to indulge in their carnal desires with men. Unfortunately, most millennial women weren’t taught how to embrace sex and how to assert themselves when it comes to their morals, due to the traditional beliefs taught by our more conservative superiors. Thus, sex became too easy to obtain, out went the flowers and candy that usually go with it.
The new age brought about the nookie on every corner, complete with the Photoshopped movement of overly sexualized women in just about every rap video and internet site you could think of. This force-fed-sexuality aided some men to create unfair standards for women in the bedroom and on how they should behave and pushed some women to think that they had to do these sorts of things in order to keep a man around.
Gentlemen, there is always a right and wrong way to do things. Most nowadays guys think the idea of romance is him bring over a blunt and a deli sandwich to share, which couldn’t be further from what a romantic courting is. Since sex became easy, it also became lazy (forgive me if I sound jaded, I also live and date exclusively in New York), and most men in their twenties don’t feel the need to nor make the time to court a woman they’re sexually interested in.
It’s always been understood that men only think about three things consistently in this life: 1.) where their next meal is coming from, 2.) where their next check is coming from, and 3.) where their next sexual encounter is coming from. So, where do we go from here? Ladies, the way to combat that stigma is by learning that age-old mantra of “Ask and you shall receive.” Now is the time to assert your confidence and let the man that you’re dealing with know that this isn’t going to work for you and, conversely, be open to receiving some positive attention for a change. Attentiveness plays a major role in relationships, and there has to be a certain amount of respect for one another to do so. Romance doesn’t have to be about the frilly, over the top gestures that we’re used to seeing in the movies. Next time you meet a person that you’re interested in, try actually thinking of way to impress them that doesn’t include a discussion about their physical assets. Trust me, a little romance will more than likely get you to your end goal, whatever that end goal might be.
Let’s bring back the art form of romance and courtship. We’re so used to fleeting connections and one night stands, that we forgot that actual love still exists. Renew your desire in it and I promise, it’ll be worth your while. At least that’s what a single, soon to be quarter-lifer still believes.