I can’t believe that in 2014, I have to write this….
But I’m going to. Because I’m tired of smelling what seems to be the ass crack of satan’s overweight step brother every time I step foot on the train. There are things your mama should’ve taught you when you were living at home about personal hygiene, but since some of you seemed to have been raise by wolves, I will do the job just this ONCE for them.
The access to personal hygienics that we have here in America in comparison to other parts of the world, and it’s something that most of you take for granted. Allow me to help you out:
Ladies, having quality hygiene products and eating the right foods is extremely essential to you being considered a civilized woman. I’m not saying your vajayjay have to smell like perfume at all times, but if you’re walking around after the club smelling like a bag of sour cream and onion chips, then you might want to tend to your problems. My suggestion to you all that have this problem is to invest in Summer Eve’s deodorant spray and some Fage Greek yogurt. Also, believe in the use of deodorant for your pits of destruction. And as always, do not go more than 3 weeks without washing your hair. Nasty.
Fellas, there is absolutely NO excuse for you to talk around giving off the powerful essence of a jock strap. This summer, powder and daily showers are your kin; take full advantage of Johnson&Johnson’s Baby Powder and squirt some on your man parts before you go outside. Eat right, drink lots of water, and please do not go to the bar right after the gym. Contrary to popular belief, ladies do not love a sweaty man. Unless it’s of course, in the bedroom.
All I’m saying is that we have a Duane Reade on every corner in New York. If not, there is a bodega or a corner store open somewhere close to you. Buy some old spice and get it together. Expediently. Even if you skip a day of showering, at least invest in some baby wipes and deodorant spray for your bathing suit parts.
I have no snazzy words for you today kids. Just some good, old fashioned tough love. After all, we’re here to make each other better, right? It’s not a hard or expensive feat to conquer to be clean. I wholeheartedly believe in you to do the right thing. Because if I my nostril hairs have to burn one more time because of the ignorance….
Smooches until tomorrow kids!