From the day you step into your first lecture in college, you dream about the day that you have a degree in your hand and the world ahead of you. You have this dream for almost the entirety of your college career…until 30 seconds after you complete your last final exam.
In those 30 seconds, you realize that your days of eating Subway sandwiches for breakfast at 4 p.m. on your friend’s half-collapsed apartment floor are over. Gone are the days of drinking up until four hours before your twenty-page thesis is due and still not having a care in the world. And those are the saddest 30 seconds of your life.
But, alas, I give you hope for how to keep your crazy friendships from college alive while trying to maintain that facade of being an “adult” in the “real world.”
1. Stop Pretending You Like These People
You don’t. Admit it – they’re the worst. They bought you tons of shots on your birthday and refused to accept responsibility for your inability to wake up the next day. They made you forget about the online quiz that was 50 percent of your grade. They even got into car accidents with you and pretended that everything was fine when indeed, IT WASN’T.
The first step in remaining friends with these people, is to tell them straight up that they are no good for you. They are terrible influences in your life, and frankly, you deserve better. But for some reason, they’re kind of fun, so you want to keep them around. Believe me, once this is out in the open, it will be much easier to remain friends. Honesty is the best policy.
2. Have a Friend Savings Account
These people have a terrible, terrible habit of spending your money. They pretend to care about you, and then move halfway across the country, forcing you to drop $500 on a single visit. Rude!
The only way you’re going to stay in touch with these people is to reserve a small fortune for the sole purpose of friendcations. Friendcations, by definition, are trips you take with your so-called friends every once in a while to keep the “friendship” flame alive. These trips can be anywhere from a hotel in SoHo, to a beach in Thailand (really the Jersey Shore, but you pretend its Thailand). It’s important to take trips with your friends, or else people may see you with the same crowd more than once and judge you. Hard.
3. Accept That Sometimes You Will Have To Go To Work Tired
Let’s face it, it’s hard to get up in the morning. It’s even harder to wake up after your friends have encouraged you to get another round on a Wednesday. So to appease these heathens, be prepared to give up sleep every now and then. And don’t you dare complain to them. They don’t want to hear it.
4. Stay On The Family Plan
No, I am not condoning mooching. I am just saying that it will be a whole lot less expensive for you to stay on that Family plan. Why? Because these people will want to group chat you EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY. They will send you memes. They will send you Vines. They will spoil that episode of your favorite show you didn’t get to see yet. And they will do all of this at the expense of your data plan. So take advantage of the family rate and spare your wallet.
5. Don’t Be Offended By Shade
If your friends don’t shade you, they’re not really your friends. And if you are offended when your friends tell you they hate you, you’re not loyal. So you can’t be offended by the continuous jokes they make at your expense. They are much more likely to stick around if you roll with the metaphorical punches.
Follow these five steps, and I guarantee you a lifetime of friendship with those people who avoided going to the gym with you on a Sunday morning.